FAMILY GUY: The Christmas Massacre Extravaganza
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: It's Christmas time at the Griffin's house. Each chapter accept 1 & 8 deal with each character. No, you are not reading wrong, 2 is missing.
1. Default Chapter

Family Guy: "The Christmas Massacre Extravaganza"  
  
Started: December 29, 2003  
  
Finished: All except Chapter 2, on January 5, 2004  
  
Peter walks into the kitchen. Brian is sitting at the table with a wine bottle in one hand and the other propping his head up.  
  
"Oh, it's you. Do me a favor, if I start dreaming of visions of sugar plumbs dancing through my head, run me to the ER and have my blood/alcogol level checked."  
  
"Ah huh..." replies Peter.  
  
"You can insert the laugh anytime you want in the next 30 minutes before this bottle of Christmas cheer ... ah ... gosh I'm wasted. Peter, are you okay? That's like your 6th glass of eggnog today. Better not let Lois catch you hogging the nog."  
  
"Trust me, I know exactly what I'm doing."  
  
Lois walks in and sees Peter.  
  
"Peter, you're not drinking more of that eggnog? It's unhealthy to consume that much nog."  
  
"No ... I'm ah, drinking the curdled milk cheese. Didn't want it to go to waste. There's starving kids in Africa and all that."  
  
"Save some for tomorrow. You don't want to run out on Christmas Eve? The stores will be packed and we may not find anymore."  
  
"I'll come join you in a bit before bed, just let me get one more thing and I'll be there."  
  
"Okay sweetie, I'm going to go check on Stewey before I go. He's watching a movie," Lois leaves the kitchen.  
  
Brian looks at Peter and says, "Curdled cheese? Honestly, you;'re just not trying anymore."  
  
Lois walks over to the couch. She puts a hand on Stewey's left shoulder.  
  
"Don't touch me," he slaps her hand away.  
  
"Ewe, somebody's crouchy. Stewey honey, just another 10 minutes and I'm gonna put you to bed. All right?"  
  
"Burn in hell women!"  
  
She walks to her room. Stewey continues to watch the "Frost the Snowman" animated feature.  
  
"What the hell is this? It's the dead of winter and he's worried about his hat? The man is stark naked! Of all the half-assed, Yuletide Christmas caroling crap ... he's a snowman! Just take the hat back!" his eyes begin to glaze over and become heavy.  
  
Chris leaves the bathroom as the toilet flushes. He walks to his room. As he passes by Megan's door he says, "Goodnight Meg."  
  
"What ever," comes her reply.  
  
He closes his bedroom door after entering. He takes of his hat. His head is bald. He pulls off the bald spot to reveal a wig. He throws the rubber latex cover in the trash can next to his bed.  
  
"That didn't work out at all. Damn you Shatner."  
  
He opens his closet door.  
  
"Goodnight evil monkey."  
  
The evil monkey steps out and points the finger as usual while giving a vicious, sharp toothed frown. He also has on a red Santa hat with a white puffy ball. The monkey closes the door quickly.  
  
Chris turns off the lights and goes to lie in bed. He tosses and turns a few minutes after falling asleep.  
  
After lying down for just a few minutes Lois falls asleep.  
  
Brian passes out on the table with the wine bottle on it's side and the contents of which spilt upon the table top and dripped onto the floor.  
  
Meg stares up till she slowly eases into slumber. 


	2. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: "Ah, Peanuts"  
  
Brian wakes up. He is cold.  
  
"I'm freezing my bare ass off. Where the hell am I?"  
  
He looks around. The walls are red and there is a small arched entrance that leads out into the yard. He steps out.  
  
"Wait, wait, wait - I'm outside?! Someone's going to pay dearly for this little foul up."  
  
He bends over in order to fit through the door.  
  
"A dog house? Wait a second ... just where the heck is this place? That's not the house. Fenced in, gonna need a better view," he climbs atop the red dog house. A small yellow bird flies down and starts whistling at him, "What the hell do you want?"  
  
It continues to whistle.  
  
"Look buddy, I don't know what in the world you are saying. If you are going to live in this country, you can at least learn the language."  
  
A small, bald headed kid walks out from the house toward them.  
  
"Finally, some service around here," he hops down, "Hey kid, can you tell me where the hell this place is?"  
  
The kid speaks, "What is it Snoopy?"  
  
"Snoopy? Look minime, my name is Brian. I live with the Griffins."  
  
"Are you hungry boy?"  
  
"I'm lost and a little pissed off. Just tell me where I am."  
  
"Do you want me to get you something to eat?" he points at the food dish.  
  
Brian picks up the dish and uses it to point at Charlie Brown in a threatening manner, "I want you to tell me where the hell I am!"  
  
Charlie Brown takes the dish and walks off.  
  
"If that has Kibbles, or Puppy Chow when you get back, I am going to whack you a good one! And get me a drink!"  
  
Lionel walks up sucking his thumb and carrying his blanket over his shoulder and says, "Hello Snoopy."  
  
"Finally, somebody else - hey kid, can you tell me where I am?"  
  
"You better not be thinking of taking my blanket."  
  
"No, but I'm seriously thinking of mauling every last one of you. Now, is this Quahog?"  
  
"I won't let you have it."  
  
"You'll find I won't be that conserving. Will you just answer my question?"  
  
"It's mine and I'm putting my foot down."  
  
"Brain nabs the blue blanket quickly and holds it, ready to rip it in half.  
  
"Hey! Let go!" yells Lionel.  
  
"What? This? What are you? Nine? And you still have an emotional security blanket? You probably still wet the bed too, huh?" comments Brian.  
  
"Come on!"  
  
"You have till the count of three to answer my questions before I rip this thing a new one. Now, show me where the phone is so I can get the hell out of here."  
  
Lionel starts crying, "whaaaaa!!!"  
  
"Great, now you're gonna cry. Well, here is something to sob over!" he rolls the towel up and starts whacking Lionel on the ass really hard. Lionel grabs his butt and starts running off. "Come back here you little rodent," says Brian.  
  
Charlie Brown walks back up.  
  
"Oh, it's you again," he looks in the dish Charlie Brown is holding.  
  
"Here you go."  
  
"What is this? My god, you got to be kidding me. There's nothing, but dog food in here. I can't eat this!"  
  
"Enjoy."  
  
"What are you? Deaf? And where the hell is that drink I asked for?"  
  
"Is that Linus's blanket?"  
  
"Are you even fucking listening to me?"  
  
They stare at each other. Brian slaps him really hard. Charlie Brown opens his mouth in surprise, backs up and rubs his cheek. He runs back to the house.  
  
"Yeah, you better start running. When you return, there had better be a cell phone in those soft hands. And bring me a Vodka! Hard on the rocks!"  
  
He climbs back atop the dog house with the dish in hand. He places the dish down and bends up. He puts his right hand over his eyes and looks around. He looks back down. The yellow bird is eating his food.  
  
"Oh no you don't," he takes the dish away.  
  
The bird twerps at him.  
  
"You heard the bubble headed monstrosity, this is mine. Why don't you go eat some worms or something?"  
  
It continues to twerp at him loudly.  
  
"Stop it," it still sounds off, "I mean it."  
  
It doesn't stop. He leans in and they both give each other dirty looks. He finally takes his second finger and flicks the bird really hard. It goes sailing away after letting out a little yelp.  
  
He walks up to the house and tries the door. Locked.  
  
"All right, time to find a grown up," he walks across the lawn and to the front of the house. He sees a stand headed by a little girl. He approaches.  
  
"Yeah, I'll have a martini with a twist of lemon."  
  
"Hi, welcome to Lucy's Lemonade Enterprises. It'll be five cents for a small and ten cents for a large. What'll you have?"  
  
"You mean you don't have liquor? Just cheap Dollar Store Neat-Aid? What kind of bar keep are you?" says Brian.  
  
"Sir, if you're having trouble deciding, I ask that you please step to the side and let the other customers order."  
  
Brian looks behind him. No one is there, "Gosh, you're not going to be helpful either. Look, I need some help..."  
  
Lucy reaches up and flips the lemonade sign. It says: Help - Five Cents. She puts a money cup on the counter and puts down a "Open" sign.  
  
Great ... where am I?"  
  
She taps the cup.  
  
He reaches down and pulls up a nickel.  
  
"What? Yeah, I know I don't have any pants. Let's just pretend otherwise," he dumps the coin in, "so what city is this?"  
  
"Where are we really? Do any of us exist? Or are we just travelers passing through time?"  
  
He pulls out another nickel and throws it at her, "Here, get a job."  
  
  
  
He walks over to the next house and knocks on the door. Someone answers.  
  
"It's about time! I have been lost and trying to find out where I am. I've been pestered by this bald kid, harassed by a wiener kid and a damn yellow bird tried to eat my food. Can you help me?"  
  
The person shakes he head.  
  
"Thank god. Please, can you tell me how to get to Quahog?"  
  
The lady replies, "Whah, whah waa whah..."  
  
He slaps his face like the kid in Home Alone and Walter Murphy does a quick repetition of Bernard Herrmann's Psycho "Shower Scene" music.  
  
Brian wakes up on the kitchen table.  
  
"Oh ... it was just a dream. I guess I'm all right then," he stands up, forgetting he is on the table. It falls over on it's side. Brian hits the floor.  
  
"Damnit," he says and right then the wine bottle smashes upon his head. 


	3. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: "Decking You With Vows Of Fierce Folly"  
  
Lois walks up to Peter who is sitting on the couch.  
  
"What are you doing honey?" she asks.  
  
"Watching Star Trek. It's episode 80 where Kirk visits this planet and encounters a mirror image of himself and tries to have sex with himself. Back then in the sixties it was controversial."  
  
"You're not going to go Christmas shopping with me?"  
  
"No, you know I got a plan already. I'm going to wait till the last possible day, struggle in traffic, arrive at the stores shortly after they close and then arrive home with a fishing rod and two pornos."  
  
"I really wish you'd help out. Do you remember what it was that Stewey wanted?"  
  
"I think it was a tickle me George Michael, tickle me Michael Jackson, or something like that."  
  
"Tickle Me Elmo. I'll see you later honey. Bye," she walks out the door and shuts it.  
  
As she is driving she decides to pop in a CD of Christmas music. She starts "Jingle Bells". She slows down for a traffic jam as the orchestra plays. She puts down the jewel case. The inserts read: John Williams and the Pops Orchestra Do Christmas.  
  
Ewe ... hurry up," she honks the horn, "come on! Move it, or lose it!"  
  
Traffic picks back up and just after she presses the gas, traffic stops suddenly. She slams the brakes. The CD skips, then starts repeating the orchestra version of the three note, "Jingle Bells". It repeats again and again and doesn't stop. She honks the horn furiously.  
  
"Learn how to drive! Why don't you brake sooner? You want to test and see if I can?!"  
  
She starts fiddling with the skip track button. It doesn't work. She tries the "Stop" button. Yet again no change.  
  
"Argh!" she starts slamming the CD consol until it changes. Now the orchestra only version of "...making spirits cy..." from "Jingle Bells" repeats over and over again.  
  
Ten minutes later she arrives at Wal-Mart. Her right eye is twitching and she is clutching the steering wheel tightly.  
  
After making her way through pissy shoppers and people just standing there and not moving, she arrives at the Toy Section.  
  
There, covered in glorious neon lite, is one last Tickle Me Elmo doll.  
  
"I can't believe it," and just before she gets it, another lady snatches it up. "Please, you got to let me have that. My child really wants it."  
  
"Sorry," says the old lady.  
  
"You don't understand, we couldn't afford presents until my husband's bonus check arrived and that was yesterday and the check didn't clear till today."  
  
The old lady replies meanly, "No, you don't understand - I don't care. Tough luck lady."  
  
Lois grabs it.  
  
"I'm warning you, let go now," the old lady warns.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Ah ha!" and the lady pulls it away quickly, "ha, ha, ha..."  
  
Lois's face turns red and her adrenaline pumps and she turns to the side and rips open a bag with a jump rope. She whips and aims for the old lady. It wraps around her ankles several times and Lois pulls it taut, tight. The lady falls down and Lois drags her across the floor. She rips the Elmo doll from her and thrusts the whip up. WhhhooOOOooosssh ... CRACK!!!!!  
  
She starts running for the registers with the doll in one hand a bag of assorted candy she picked up along the way in the other hand. Nerf soft arrows shoot back and forth behind her and she uses the rope to swing from a support beam from the ceiling over nonmoving customers. All the while Walter Murphy immates John Williams music from "Indiana Jones: Raider Of The Lost Ark"  
  
A big plastic beach ball breaks from the roof wires and comes falling down. It rolls after Lois until she merges into a 10-Items-Or-Less line. She is next. The store speakers blare, "Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five minutes. We ask you make your final selections and bring them up front for check out. Thank you."  
  
The cashier scans the Elmo doll. She hands him the bag of candy.  
  
"Oh gosh, I'm sorry, I can never remember the PLU number. I'm gonna have to weigh it," he puts it in one hand and slowly, but carefully replaces a gold colored ornament on the register scale. Without blinking and holding his breath he switches the two items. He breaths a sigh of relief and says, "Sorry about that. That's the only way to get it to work," he punches a few keys the register rings, "17.50."  
  
She gives him a 20.00 and turns to see the onslaught of shoppers.  
  
"Keep the change!" she charges for the exit door as the giant beach ball again chases her. The door slips shut behind her and the ball slams people into the window pane.  
  
She starts the car and the Christmas cue starts repeating again and again. She loses it. Walter Murphy does a take off of Jerry Goldsmith's chase music from, "Planet Of The Apes" as Lois plows her way through the lot.  
  
Christmas morning. Stewey opens his present.  
  
"What the devil? Tickle Me Elmo? I shall do no such thing you perverse, plush ... take that!"  
  
He lights it on fire with a flame thrower.  
  
Lois cries out, "No!!!!!" she reaches down to strangle him.  
  
"I knew it! Blast!!!"  
  
She wakes up suddenly.  
  
"Ah ... that's it - no more Malcom In the Middle before bed time. Better check on Stewey. 


	4. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: "A Frosty Encounter"  
  
Stewey dreams he is in Santa's Workshop, on the assembly line. He is wearing an olive green elf outfit, white and red stripped soaks and curled toed shoes. He also has pointed ears.  
  
"What the hell ... you there!" he points to an elf, "where the devil am I?"  
  
"Heh, heh, heh, that's a good one. Better hurry up."  
  
"I shall do no such thing! Either tell me of my current location, or I'll shove this candy cane where the snow don't fall..."  
  
"Santa's Workshop. Please don't stick that up my butt."  
  
"Who is in charge here?!" he commands.  
  
"Santa Clause," replies the scared elf.  
  
"Don't play games with me you fowl little penguin humper. I want his name, not his pseudonym!"  
  
"Chris Kringle. He's in his office. That way," the elf points.  
  
"Thank you for your cooperation. I'm much obliged," he walks off, then sticks his head back in and points with a menacing look in his eyes, "you! Cover for me!"  
  
Santa types at his computer. He presses save and closes the file. He clicks into the MicrosoftWord Document labeled, "G List". A knock comes to his door. It bursts open.  
  
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Why if it isn't little Stewart Griffin. Let me pull up your file," the computer freezes, "heh ... hold on..." he presses Alt + Control + Delete two times. It does nothing, "well, son an elf. Darnit," he flips the power switch, "damn WindowsME. Remind me to e-mail Leo Laporte later. what can I do you for?"  
  
"Well," he tries to lift himself on top Santa's desk. He fails and gets a chair. He climbs up it and onto the desk top,"Now see here," he reads the name plate, "Christopher. I'm a reasonable man. My demands are simple; return me to my home and I will not be forced to dispatch you to the icy nether regions!" he rips off the hat and points at Santa.  
  
"Oh, here's your file ... owww, somebody has been a notty little boy."  
  
"Oh yes, I do try. And speaking of try ... you're trying my patience fat man! Are we going to cut to the chase, or shall I call the animal rights groups about your venison problem. And I don't believe your work place practices are up to OSHA standards. Now what do you have to say to that?"  
  
Santa tosses Stewey out into the snow much like Will Smith's friend in that television series "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".  
  
He waves at Stewey and shouts, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!" and slams the door closed.  
  
He gets up and dusts the snow off himself and yells angrily, "Oh, you'll regret that Mister Kringle! Make no mistake! The only thing that's gonna shake like a bowl full of jelly is your wretched, twisted remains while I do a mexican hat dance about them!!!" he rubs his hands on his arms, "Hummm, it's a wee bit nippy out here. Perhaps I should seek shelter."  
  
He walks for a minute and then sees something. He scurries over and picks it up.  
  
"Well, what do we have here? A top hat in the North Pole? Someone obviously made a fashion faux pas," he tries it on. It slides down over his eyes, "Well, this shalln't do at all. How am I supposed to see with this blasted brimmer on?" he walks past a snowman. He eyes it menacingly for a moment and then says, "How quaint. Here, you can have it. I don't want it anyway," and he throws it up onto the snowman's head.  
  
With glittery, white whirls of air and snow, the snowman comes to life. It claps it's newly formed legs together and exclaims, "Merry Christmas!"  
  
"You're gay, aren't you? It's all right to admit it."  
  
"Where am I? Wait - now I remember. The last thing I recall was waving good-bye to the children as I ride away in Santa's sleigh. We went a few miles out and he took my buttons and ripped off my hat and ... oh my god! My buttons!"  
  
Cut to Santa sitting in his officer and unbuttoning his red coat, exposing a white Hanes T-shirt. He looks at the buttons as he clicks the computer mouse and exclaims, "Ho! Ho! Ho! ...what the hell ... this program has performed an illegal operation and will now be shut down? what the fuck does it mean, 'Illegal Operation'? I only opened a WordPad file! Ah, snowy shit..."  
  
"Well, as they say, 'There's one born everyday'. Though without any sexual reproductive organs I don't see how that's quite possible."  
  
"Say, do you know which way it is to Santa's Workshop?" asks Frosty.  
  
"It's somewhere that way. Why are you looking at me like that way?"  
  
"How tall are you?"  
  
"24 inches ... why?" he eyes Frosty suspiciously.  
  
"24 inches ... and I was 6.5 ... holy Christmas! I lost a foot! What happened?"  
  
"Yes, well, welcome to the 90s. If you look hard enough you can SEE the hole in the Ozone Layer. Global warming and terrorism and all that."  
  
"Say kid, what's your name anyway?"  
  
"None of your frosty business. Now shovel off!"  
  
"My name is Frosty. Frosty the Snowman."  
  
"What a staggering revelation. Now piss off!"  
  
"You can call me Frosty."  
  
"Oh, I think I can come up with something a bit more, how shall we say? Colorful."  
  
Frosty follows Stewey.  
  
"Stop following me! Or so help me I'll knock those popsicle legs of yours off!"  
  
"Why don't you come with me?"  
  
"Why don't you eat yourself! Now be gone with yourself! I need to find a way from this place."  
  
"Why don't you try Santa's barn? He has nine reindeer. You can use one of those."  
  
Stewey turns around, points and yells, "Why don't you! ... reindeer you say? You mean those flying creatures? I thought they were a myth."  
  
"Of course not. You just stopped believing."  
  
"Well my freezy chap, let us walk this way shall we?"  
  
They start heading back to Santa's Workshop, now four minutes away. Frost whistles the Christmas song baring his own name. After a minute Stewey becomes highly annoyed and bucks, "Just what the hell it is you think you are doing? I say, does this look like a play? Do you see any cats, or large man eating plants?"  
  
"Ah..."  
  
"Then cease that infernal racket! You ain't no whistling dixie; not even a Rob Reale."  
  
"Would you prefer if I sing?" asks Frosty.  
  
"Only if you WANT to die. And I mean slooowwwly."  
  
"Frosty the snowman, was a holy jolly soul..."  
  
"Now see here! I demand that you stop that at once!"  
  
"...and the children say he came to life one day..."  
  
"I'm warning you. You're one note away from a Snowbiz!"  
  
"...and that's how the story goes..."  
  
"Enough!" Stewey runs up to Frosty and kicks him in the crotch.  
  
Frosty falls over in pain and exclaims wide eyed, "Ow! My snowballs!"  
  
Stewey runs behind him, pulls out one of his wooden arms and proceeds to beet Frosty with it.  
  
"Ah! Ah! Make it stop! Make it stop!" Frosty calls out.  
  
"Not so cocky now? Are we? Say hello to Suddenly Susan for me!" he snatches the hat off Frosty. Frosty's eyes turn to black "X"s. Stewey tosses the hat into a wood chipper and the shredded pieces rain upon Frosty's lifeless body. Stewey then unzips his pants, writes his name with pee on Frosty and zips back up.  
  
"Well, that was rather delightful and I must say ... oh no ... blast!" he wakes up from his dream abruptly.  
  
"No! I'm not ready yet! No! No! No! I must fall back asleep!" he tries forcing his eyes shut.  
  
Lois walks into the room and picks Stewey up.  
  
"It's all right honey - you were just having a bad dream."  
  
"Damn you! I order you to let go of me this very instant!!!"  
  
Shhh ... no need to cry."  
  
"I should say not. Now is the time for celebration. Another time Frosty ... another time..." 


	5. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: "Peter Clause"  
  
Peter holds steady the steering wheel of a small plane. The Flying Instructor speaks up.  
  
"Congratulations Peter! We're now almost at the North Pole. It's so highly unusual to give lessons on Christmas Eve; let alone fly to another spot on the Earth, but what the hell."  
  
"Yeah, what the hell. This is so cool. Hey, thanks mister. I can't wait to see Santa clause!" Peter exclaims.  
  
The instructor looks at him and says, "You do know there is not such thing as Santa Clause right?"  
  
"Ah! No! I'm not listening ... la, la, la, la..." he takes his hands from the wheel to cover his ears. The plane takes a nose dive.  
  
"You fool! Pull up! Pull up!"  
  
"Oops," he jerks the wheel back and the plane bolts up quickly and they hear noises followed by an explosion. "Holy crap! What was that?"  
  
"You pulled up t o quickly! That was the sound of the engine breaking you idiot."  
  
"Maybe we can ride it out on one engine?" comments Peter.  
  
"You jackass, it's a single engine Sesna. I already told you that ten times!"  
  
"But wait - what about me? Where's my parachute?"  
  
"You only paid for one, remember?" the instructor opens the door and the cabin fills with fast moving air.  
  
"Oh, right. What do I do?"  
  
"Stick you head between you legs and kiss your sorry fat ass good-bye."  
  
"But I can't bend that far!"  
  
"Then you'll just have to settle for slapping yourself," he jumps from the plane and while falling yells, "ALL PURCHASES ARE NONREFUNDABLE!!!!!"  
  
Ah, crap. What do I do? Think Peter ... just examine the controls ... I'm sure they're all logically marked ... altitude!? What the hell is that?!" he looks up and sees a building coming at him fast, "Ut-oh!"  
  
Peter's eyes open to a bright floresant light. A bunch of masked men hover over him with surgical tools. He passes out and then awakens again later to hear one say, "Okay, that's a rap people. Oh - he's awake ... shhh!!!"  
  
"I'm alive!" he sits up. It's then he notices they are all midgets standing on stools, "and I've found Oz!"  
  
"Mister Griffin, we're elves. We've been fixing your wounds; making you faster, stronger and better!"  
  
"Like the Six Million Dollar Man?" Peter asks.  
  
The first elf replies, "Precisely, except six million dollars in Elf money is half that."  
  
A second elf comments, "Just a bit over Canadian currency."  
  
"Does that mean I can run faster now?" asks Peter.  
  
"No, you're still fat," says Elf 1.  
  
"So, eh, like - what happened? Last thing I remember I was about to plow into some house and screaming vaguely like a girl..." his eyes shift left to right.  
  
"Oh yeah," Elf 2 points to a body covered by a sheet, "you killed Santa."  
  
"Oh my god! You mean, Santa's real and I killed him?!"  
  
A third Elf starts crying. The first whacks Elf 2 upside the head with the clip board holding Peter's charts.  
  
"Lou, I don't want to have to tell you again," says elf 1 to Elf 2.  
  
"Why doesn't he have one of those toe tags they use for corpses? You know? Dead people; people who aren't living anymore and will never come back no matter how hard you wish, or how many times you pray."  
  
The third elf starts crying again. Elf 1 whacks the third Elf.  
  
"Why did you whack him?" asks Elf 2.  
  
"It was just easier," replies Elf 1.  
  
"I can't believe he's gone. Now who's going to deliver all the presents?" asks Peter.  
  
"Actually, we were kind of hoping you would," says Elf 1.  
  
"You mean like Tim Allen in that disney movie, The Santa Clause?"  
  
"Yeah, except you won't be allowed to drink, you'll work for nothing and it's a tiresome, thankless job. On the plus side disney is not involved. No way what so ever."  
  
"Thank god," says Elf 2.  
  
"And what if I say no? Huh? What's to stop me then?"  
  
"Lou here will surgically remove your balls for Fear Factor."  
  
"That's a 70 inch waist and a 28 inch inseam. And make that shirt a triple extra large."  
  
"We knew you'd understand."  
  
The elves step into an elevator. Peter follows. After the door shuts they reach into their pockets and pull out a special key each. The both open secret panels on each side of the lift doors and insert the keys. They both nod and count to three, then turn the keys simultaneously. The elevator starts moving.  
  
"So, where are we going?" asks Peter.  
  
"Elf 2 looks at Peter and says in a low voice, "The South Pole..." he trails off.  
  
Peter looks around nervous and replies as his eyes dart back and forth, "Oh ... okay," he stands there looking around as quiet elevator Christmas music plays.  
  
The doors open to a large underground room.  
  
"Peter, welcome to S.A.N.T.A. The Surgically Advanced Neurological Training Adjunct, or the Ho Ho Ho Thought Reprogramming Pit. Here is where we train new Santas when the situation should arise."  
  
"So this is where you'll make my nose red and teach me to laugh like a bowl full of jelly?"  
  
"Mister Griffin, you're 400 pounds - that just comes with the territory. As for the nose, it's 30 below out there. That's just frost bite," replies Elf 1.  
  
"So, what's the first step? Do I get to practice wrapping gifts? Loading the sleigh? Come on, what is it?"  
  
"Well, first you'll be subjected to the Jolly Chris Kringle Originality Feat Function tester to see how much Christmas spirit is in you to work with," says Elf 1.  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa - I'm gonna be tested on a machine that's abbreviated Jack Off? Cause I can tell you right now I'll pass that test with flying colors."  
  
"Ah, yeah ... let's go ahead and begin the testing," says Elf 1.  
  
Christmassy montage music by composer Walter Murphy cues up for this several minute long sequence.  
  
An elf gives Peter the folded Santa outfit. He turns around and enters a changing room. He comes back out and the pants are on his arms and the waist on his head like a hood and the hat on his crotch. The shirt is stretched tight on his legs and buttoned up to look like a shirt. He poses like a female model. The Elf slaps his head and shakes it. Peter goes back in and comes out dressed right. The Elf gives him a thumbs up.  
  
  
  
In the next scene he is given the list. It is on connected, perforated computer typing paper. He practices "Notty" and "Nice" list checking techniques. The Elf corrects him to mark one "Notty" instead of "Nice" by whacking Peter with a ruler.  
  
Peter goes, "Oh," and gets a mean look and puts an "X" down.  
  
The scene morphs into hours later and he has reached the end and is sweating and tired. He puts the pen and paper down and lays back and the Elf smacks him with the ruler again. He shakes his second finger no and points to the paper making Peter do it twice.  
  
Next the Elf takes him to the Toy Assembly Line and shows him how to inspect the toys. He then signals for Peter to try. Peter picks one up. While inspecting it, he accidentally breaks a piece off and drops it when it suddenly bursts into flames.  
  
Next they show him how to load the bags up and carry it to the sleigh. They have to drag it, but when they tell him to try, he picks it up and slings it over his shoulder. He smiles when they give him a thumbs up. He spins around and the bag knocks them all down like bowling pins.  
  
Next they show him a large wall mounted map with red lines and arrows showing the route he'll take. They put him in a Virtual Reality simulator where he can see the reindeer and practices taking off and landing.  
  
Each time he knocks over the brick chimneys and bashes through the roof.  
  
He flies over Washington D.C. and the LCD dash-mounted computer screen flashes in red letters: "White House - Restricted Flight Zone"  
  
An alarm sounds. He ignores both of then and a pair of F15s shoot him down. "Game Over" flashes.  
  
They all look at him in disappointment as he tries to shove a quarter into a heat exhaust vent.  
  
  
  
In a separate room there is a mock house and Peter is lead to the roof where he has to use the chimney. He slides in half way down and gets stuck. The elves frantically signal to cut the chimney fire off.  
  
Next they point to the Christmas tree and indicate to put the presents down, but only after prying him away from the milk and cookies.  
  
He lugs the bag over, sets it down and reaches in. He unloads three nicely wrapped gifts and puts his hands out in a cocky manner and as the elves start to clap, one of the gifts bursts into flames.  
  
"He ran over 50 dogs and 30 children; burned 25 houses to the ground, split his pants five times and several of his gifts exploded. Are you sure he's the man?" asks Elf 2.  
  
"Christmas is only twelve hours away. Right now that fat man is the only thing we got. There is no time to find and train someone else. He'll have to do. I mean, he's clearly an idiot and..."  
  
"Hey you guys. So, how did I do? Did I pass?" asks Peter.  
  
"You did just fine. Now, the flight over to your starting point and preparation will take a few hours, so we need you to go over a few things again with us and then you need to start getting ready. So, I guess the first thing we need to do is..." Peter cuts Elf 1 off.  
  
"Hey, do you guys mind if I use the can first? I got a real bad case of the runs."  
  
"No, go ahead. And Peter, we call it the 'Enchanted Latrine'."  
  
"All right. Be back in five. I have to take an enchanted dump."  
  
Five minutes later. The two elves are standing at the bathroom door. One is smoking and the other is checking his watch. Elf 1 knocks on the door.  
  
"Mister Griffin, hurry up. We need to start preparing. You haven't even found out whose been notty and whose been nice," he knocks again, "Peter?"  
  
The third Elf comes running in.  
  
"Sir! A bunch of presents are gone and someone took the sleigh and reindeer! What are we going to do?"  
  
"Peter! I'm coming in!" Elf 1 takes out a key and opens the door. Curtain laces are blowing from an open window. They stand on a stool and look out to see Peter flying away. Elf 1 shakes his fist and yells loudly, "We know where you live!!!" he looks at Elf 2, "Lou, start shaking your fist!" 


	6. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: "The Gift Of Gill"  
  
Megan goes downstairs and sees everyone up; waiting at the Christmas tree.  
  
"Well, there you are sleepy head. We thought we'd have to start without you," says Lois.  
  
"Mom, you know I have to spend at least two hours getting ready before I can come out here."  
  
"Now that you're up, you can open your presents. This one is from all of us to you," says Lois.  
  
They point and she moves over to it and gets down on her knees.  
  
"You guys didn't have to ... I wonder what it is..."  
  
She rips the paper open and pulls the lid off.  
  
A naked Quagmire pops out with a big red ribbon tied around his body, holding a box lid over his crotch.  
  
He moves his arms back and forth and thrusts his pelvis and exclaims, "All right! The gift of Gill! Big things come in small packages. Why don't you unwrap this Yuletide log? And while you're down there, do you think you can do me a favor? Oh yeah!"  
  
"Aaaggghhh!!!" Meg sits up quickly. She looks at her clock and realizes it is Christmas Eve,  
  
"I am never going to sleep again." 


	7. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: "An Eve Of Togetherness"  
  
Lois walks over to the couch. Stewey has fallen asleep again, sucking his thumb. The TV station has the test color pattern and the annoying noise.  
  
She sees Brian wake up and step through the broken glass.  
  
"Good morning Brian. Did you sleep well?" she asks.  
  
"I don't particularly want to talk about it. Suffice to say I won't be reading the funny pages again anytime soon," he rubs the bump on his head.  
  
"Mom, dad's blocking the steps again," says Megan.  
  
She turns around and there is Peter - passed out on the stairs. She taps him awake and helps him up.  
  
"Peter, I knew you shouldn't have drunk that much eggnog. Chris, stop trying to push your father downstairs."  
  
"Sorry. I dreamt I was a rat."  
  
"Oh, Lois. You'll never believe what I dreamt about! I was flying over the North Pole and something went wrong with the plane and I crashed into Santa's House just like that plane in the first episode of Seven Days and I woke up and found out I was the Six Million Dollar Man and that I killed Santa! The elves highered me to take over his job and when their backs were turned I stole the sleigh and brought us home a butt load of presents!"  
  
"So, basically what you're saying is that you're a monster. Even in your sleep?" comments Brian.  
  
  
  
Stewey wakes up.  
  
"Don't even say the word sleep," says Megan.  
  
  
  
He peaks from the top of the couch and says, "Good morning all. I say, I had the most delightful dream. It was an absolute mental romp. I haven't had this good a slumber in months."  
  
"Well, it's a good thing we're all awake. We still need to buy presents. But don't worry, I'm sure your mother can handle that all by herself. So, Lois, what did you dream about?" asks Peter.  
  
In a take off of the The Simpsons style rips off of Bernard Herrmann's Psycho, the music starts on a long lone low octave string and strikes with each time we get closer to her face and on the last one you can see her right eye twitching.  
  
--THE END-- 


End file.
